this is a draft version that came from lack of sleep for many reasons, of which this is only one.
Last week, Tony Blair announced an ostensibly new policy of deporting "extremists", regardless of the human rights policies of the country of origin, defying international law. Ostensibly new because this is actually the de facto policy, justified by this extended War on Terror, now made de jure. Forgive me if I am a bit reticent in accepting that this is what must be done to protect ourselves and each other from terrorists. I question the ethics of governments that so narrowly define terrorism as individual acts, except for when referring to an entire group that they can now conveniently vilify since they did not agree with them anyway.
When I think of things that I am truly terrified of, it is not the possibility of a terrorist attack so narrowly defined. I realize that this is partly a luxury of knowing that where I live, what I do, who I am, doesn't make me the most appealing target. But mostly, it is because what terrifies me are my everyday realities.
I am terrified that my nephews are growing up in a world that encourages them to disown me because of who I may choose to date and partner with. I am terrified that my stubborness in acknowledging the truth (on my best days), will someday be the end of me. I am terrified that another man I know will choose to see me as an object to be assaulted. I am terrified that the last question I will ever be asked will be "Did you live ethically?" and my response will not be an unqualified yes. I am terrified that people will continue to refuse to take my experiences as an East Asian woman seriously. I am terrified of not knowing reciprocal love. I am terrified that my various addictions and ways in which I cope with the world will reduce my ability to be an actor in it. I am terrified that those I love carry these and other terrors that prevent them from falling asleep at night and make them reluctant to wake up in the morning. There are many many things that I am terrified of, but most of all, I am terrified that all of these terrors I carry around with me, will never go away. Will have no reason to go away.
As Blair and Bush continue their asinine strategies to maintain lies as if they were truths, it occurs to me that policies rooted in terror of what would happen if one were not the oppressor have never been, and never will be, ethical. I like to think that eventually, what is right has, and will, prevail. This, I know, is optimistic to the point of hurting.
But let us each hope, for the sake of letting go of at least some of our terrors, that this is true. And that this will happen sooner rather than later for those whose terror is the terror of waking up, knowing that one's very existence is enough of a threat to justify one's nonexistence.
2 comments:
Sweet Laura,
You were lending your pulse and now you are lending your fire and someone needs to offer you a space next to them on the grass in the shade, for when words fail and what you need is to see and feel is the deep steady breathing and pulse of another, to slowly reassure you that at least for now something is predictable and good, if only the next breath and pulse.
Some questions:
1. The news is something you have to do for awhile but maybe then you get a sense of where it's going, and you can monitor the world through the pulse and breath of the people you love?
2. There is all the drama and terror you need in your immediate experience and if there isn't, it's time to get out your body out there? Or you missed something?
3. This is a time in your life for leaving your skin thin to develop a need for and then a way of coping deeply with a world that's not the way you can think of it being?
4. You will stop us all from talking so we can hold you close and you can feel our breath and pulses, like we're big dogs on the floor or friendly milking cows?
I love you.
Molly
i love you, too, molly. i love you, too. in many ways, the most important thing i have learned and am learning, is to measure the breath and pulse of those i love. i have the amazing privilege of loving people whose response to me has been to patiently wait as i warily sniff in progressively smaller cocentric circles, until i am convinced that it is safe to sit down. my dream is that we will all reach a point where we have said all the words that we need to say, and we can just sit in this space that we call home and enjoy each other, measuring the strength of our selves by measuring our collective pulse, our collective breaths.
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