a life worth living:

here's to a woman who lived feminism before others came up with a name for it, who understood the interplay of oppression intimately, who recognized the importance of connecting local movement with international movement. to a true sister warrior.

you'll be missed, ione.

hiding.

i feel like a kid playing hide and seek and hiding and realizing how great it is to be hidden and trying not to breathe so as not to be found.

also, i was the kid that would stay hidden if in a particularly good hiding spot, long after the seeker had stopped playing until feelings of guilt caught up with me, and i'm a pretty good runner, but things have a way of catching up.

i live for the days when the words in my head are my own. so i am waiting. and i know while i wait for things like that, i may seem moody. probably because i am.

you know how it is.

food dreams.

last night, i dreamt of popeye's fried chicken. no joke. this after consuming well over half of the make-your-own bucket from kfc friday night with honey barbecue wings and popcorn chicken with a large side of coleslaw. and i found myself feeling nauseous for the first time since a bad bout of food poisoning in thailand about 3 years ago on sunday after eating 2/3's of a package of maple sausage links and way too many fried potatoes and homemade tortilla chips. in other words, a food experience that should've given me nightmares about food, but i remember waking up in the middle of the night, craving popeye's and feeling quite good about it.

i have been having wonderfully decadent food dreams lately, which all started with a chocolate layer cake accompanied with a half-gallon of strawberry ice cream early last week. this compelled me to buy ghiradelli double chocolate brownie mix (as well as some caramel turtle brownie mix, which i made a few days later) at the store along with cocoa and cream and french vanilla hot chocolate (all of which were miraculously on sale!).

almost all of the dreams i've remembered this past week have been associated with food - maybe because i went through a stretch of eating nothing except kimchi and rice. it happened to be the only thing i wanted to eat when i was sick, and i think i managed to lose a couple of pounds. but after a few days of gluttony, i think i've gained them back.

which is all to say, i have been hungry lately, for many things. i have friends who write, even if there are no blog postings to prove it. i may have a contentious relationship with my blog, but it is a fairly good chronicle of how i am writing and relating to myself, if not one hundred percent accurate. so i'm dragging myself out after an extended hibernation, dreading the soreness of muscles and awkwardness of motion with the varied rythyms of words on the screen, if only because there is a large part of me that feels as if i have not really spoken to anyone for the past month or so. truth is, i miss my conversations with myself, and my conversations with you, imagined and otherwise.

i take myself too seriously and not seriously enough without seeing my thoughts outside myself.

and after 2 weeks without a cigarette, i'm still trying to sort myself out. i feel exposed. i'm thinking about getting a top hat and a cane as replacement props, but they might not be absurd enough for how i'm feeling these days. i think it'll look like i'm trying too hard. we'll see.

and for full disclosure, of the time i have had lately where i have been cogent (not all that much, actually, what with being sick and not smoking and all), much time has been consumed with samurai sudoku. it could be the most consumptive addiction yet.