balancing act.

so it turns out that my lofty goal of waking up in the morning to pack lunch for lara before she leaves to teach at 6:30am was a bit optimistic, shockingly enough. after waking up the last 2 mornings early enough to pack her lunch, i missed the first official day of her classes starting, and it occurs to me that learning to wake up early in the morning may take more than learning not to smoke in awkward social situations. she said gently this morning, "maybe we should pack lunches the night before". this morning has been spent figuring out budgetary concerns for the next 4 months, or trying, figuring out reading assignments for the first day of classes next week, figuring out what my calendar looks like, and it's five hours later and it feels like i haven't really gotten anything accomplished yet today.

no, i haven't gotten excited about law school yet. in fact, i'm terrified for many reasons, but mainly, terrified for my well-being, mostly for my soul. my first meet and greet was monday. here is an excerpt from a real conversation:

"so, where are you from?"

"kenya."

"oh really?"

"yeah, i just got back."

30 seconds later, checking back in the conversation:

"i spent the last 6 months in kenya, but i guess i'm really from kentucky."

what the fuck? seriously. the amount of space that white men take up never ceases to amaze me.

so this week has been dressed in taut smiles and incredulous looks, as i stumble awkwardly from one thing to the next. what i have seen so far: an excess of friendliness and an intense need to speak loudly and often. my worry before going in was that law school would be filled with assholes. that hasn't really gone away, but i guess i'm one of the assholes as i sit sullenly in my seat with my baseball hat pulled down as far as it'll go, trying not to make eye contact. i have the weekend to reform myself before classes officially start. for now, a deep pain has settled in my right shoulder.

sometimes i just can't win.

i just got yelled at for chewing gum? seriously. i'm at the library, minding my own business, looking around on line, the only noise coming from the keyboard, and the woman who had just sat down next to me said, "excuse me, do you mind [sic] gum? i'm really sensitive to the noise." so i said, sure, thinking that i had been unconsciously snapping it, even with my mouth closed because i do that sometimes, so i make a note to myself not to snap my gum and am chewing it slowly as i browse things online, and the next thing i know, the woman slams shut her books and starts yelling at me and saying something about the staff here (maybe that she was going to turn me in?) and i guess about my inconsiderateness in particular, and inconsiderateness in general?

in any case, damn. i'm just sitting here in the air conditioning trying to do some research, minding my own goddamn business, not taking up more than my share of space, and she goes off on me for chewing gum? not even chewing gum, really, just having it in my mouth? this is a fucking public library for chrissakes. i shouldn't have to move if i was here first and you happen to find me offensive. don't be pissy at me because you picked the wrong computer to sit at. and now you've put me in a pissy mood when i was having a pretty goddamn good day all around.

um, excuse me. i'm 9 days not smoking asshole. would you rather me light up in here with an ashtray near your keyboard? jesus fucking christ. what the hell is up with people? a few weeks ago, i was going out to dinner and smoking a cigarette near the road when a woman who was dining outside yelled at me for smoking and told me to move. she was dining outside, mind you, when most places are nonsmoking inside. i looked at her in disbelief. then the guy behind her lit up.

so no, i'm not going to spit out my new orbit lemon-lime gum just because you're sensitive the sound of my occassional chewing as i sit here. welcome to law school libraries. i can't fucking wait.

but wait. a woman with a baby just sat down next to the anti-gum woman. and the baby is fussing. hahahaha. yes. how 'bout them apples?

dreams.

bella decided that the best way to wake me up this morning was to bite my arm - completely unprovoked, with no explanation, followed by a jaunty jump off the bed. in that space i occupy right before waking up, as my body is pushing through the layers of sleep, i have the most vivid dreams, and these are the dreams that i remember, if i do. so this morning, i woke up more than a little pissed, and a little freaked out. i dreamt that i was teaching last night, but it was in some sort of woody area in a log cabin-type thing, and the class was huge and they were in a large oval shape around the edge of a room, and there were two boards on two different walls, but not everyone could see because it was such a large space. the overlap between this dream and my notdream is that i am starting a new class tonight, and they had a sub for the first class because my office double-booked me, so i am a bit nervous as i hate the idea of giving up control of my class by having someone else start it for me, and that was incorporated in the dream. anyway, i woke up in kind of a sweat, nervous, because half the class had left at the break, which people just took, because they thought it was a waste of time.

so then i was kind of up because bella bit me, and i was upset and mumbling about it, and it was later than i realized, but as lara and i were talking - me more mumbling and unresponsive than anything - i managed to burrow myself deeper in the bed, and fell asleep in the classic lara way, which is to say, i was awake one minute and asleep the next. the next thing i know, i'm kind of floating in my dream world, and all i see are trees - tall tall trees, and there was someone standing in the middle of a ring of trees (me?), and there were signs on the trees that said NO EXIT, and when i looked up (i'm pretty sure it was me), i couldn't see the sun because the trees were so tall, and i remember thinking, this is so hobbit-esque (do you remember? i forget which book it was in, but the hobbits were in a forest and it was scary because they couldn't figure out how to get out - i'm pretty sure it was in the two towers because that's where i remember the ents were...), minus the signs on the trees. and then i hear lara laughing and saying "...aaaand you're sleeping again, aren't you?"

so what does it all mean? the bucolic dreams? in both dreams, i wasn't really freaked out by any of it, even though i knew that in both, things were not going well, but i was largely unaffected. the recurrence of trees, circle-like shapes, being surrounded with no clear exit and my surprising attitude in both...what does it all mean?

kickin' it.

today is officially a week without cigarettes. i haven't hurt anyone. yet. although it must be said that i've wanted to. more than once. at the moment, i'm distracting myself with my sleepiness and trying to stay awake. i have coffee and a long night in front of me, and i just want one teensy lil' drag.

but. i am wearing new superhero underwear. i mean, they don't have superheroes on them, just, they make me feel like a superhero - they're the "hipster" cut with a thick waistband. i'm in love with them. because they make me feel like a superhero. and superheroes do not smoke. but they do get tired sometimes, which is what coffee is for. also, i think that superheroes take naps sometimes because it's hard work being a superhero. also, superheroes don't hurt people unless they deserve it, and even though i've wanted to hurt people, i don't think that being annoying equates with deserving to be hurt. so. i'm trying to live up to the superhero underwear.

so even though i'm not technically a superhero, my superhero talent at the moment is warding off the urge to smoke cigarettes. i've never wanted them so bad now that i tell myself that i can't have them - not even one. it's all so very final. but superheroes have to be rigid sometimes - boundaries help superheroes stay sane. i want to be a superhero.

ok, so that's a lie. but have i mentioned i like the underwear?