winding.

i've been having trouble falling asleep after my long days of working and then teaching, which i've done too much of lately, but not last night. last night, lara looked at me and said, i'm going to draw a bath, and i'm normally a little squeamish about baths, but we both knew that i needed something relaxing and good, so we got in, and i fell asleep on her in the bath tub to the lullaby playlist that she made me. it was really one of the few times that i've fallen asleep before her and she's had to coax me to bed. tonight i came home to a dark apartment and bella meowing at the door (i still haven't figured out if she does that whenever someone walks by or if she knows the sound of my legs hitting my bag), more awake than i felt during my class, which is the way it happens, i suppose.it's also the first night in awhile that i've slept by myself, since i'm either with lara or with this or the other friend who's in town, and it's a little strange, all this quiet. i forget sometimes how quiet things can get.

yesterday, i had sort of an epiphany that was somewhat guided, and here's what i decided: i need to quit smoking; i need to start eating better and more regularly; i need to work less; i need to have more contact with the people i love; i need to start exercising. so yesterday and today, every cigarette i had, i savored, because i knew it was one of the last. it's hard to say goodbye to old friends, even if you know they're not good for you, that you need to move on. i finished my pack tonight and will not be buying more. i've stopped smoking more than once before, but haven't had too much of a commitment about it, so slipping back into it was easier than staying out, and really, the stress just doesn't let up, so it's time for something different. if i'm more grrrr and rrraaarrr than usual the next week or two, you'll know why. as far as working goes, i'm only teaching two classes next week, which is a wondrous occurrence these days, and i've finally put my foot down in scheduling. so there's that. and there are yoga tapes somewhere that i'm gonna start doing next week because my shoulders are killing me what with carrying around all these goddamn books all the time and all the work that goes into looking all laid-back and easy-going when i'm clearly a type a personality resides there. also, lara scheduled me a massage. so. i can't say no to that. last night, i got 2 large pizzas for 11 bucks, so i'll be eating that pretty much for the rest of the week. i guess the eating better part will have to wait until next week - wouldn't want to be overwhelmingly healthy all at once.

and i'm trying to write myself to sleep now, but i'm in this mood, you know? pensive, i think. thinking about these things that matter and don't in the end, and this woman who loves me, who's somewhere not here and how i miss her, and how lucky i am that i have someone to come home to sometimes who tells me that i need to take a bath, even though she knows that i have a weird mental aversion to baths. and we just sit there together, listening to music and sometimes laughing at the cats, and she holds me as i try not to fall asleep but do anyway. and tonight i burrow deep under the covers because i'm the only heat in the room. and i've smoked my last cigarette.

seriously (con.).

actual new york times headline: G.O.P.'s bid for Blacks Falters

actual reaction: um, seriously? is that the language you're using? hm. hm. ahem. hm. hm. perhaps buying members of a specific group of people should not be used as a metaphor? don't even ask me about trying to understand the metaphor itself. geez.

all the news that's fit to print my friends. all the news that's fit to print.

seriously.

"The United States defended its record on prisoner treatment, racial profiling, immigration and the death penalty on Monday in its first appearance before a top United Nations human rights panel in 11 years."

you know things are getting bad when there's an attempt to defend oh, you know, normalized oppressive behavior. usually these sorts of things don't need to be defended. but isn't that sentence funny? read it again. by funny i mean, tragic? progress, eh?