time between trains.

i spent an hour today sitting in between gates C and D at union station with my ipod as loud as it could go, focusing on the white shoes of the woman sitting in front of me, the double doors that looked like they had eyes, watching the minutes go by on the digitial clock, red minutes moving, practicing meditation of minute details, wanting my senses to be overwhelmed by the moment i was in as if to fend off sorrow by loud music and bad hair and weird clothing aligned with tired faces and the thought of moving with no end.

when i saw that i had missed a call from my parents while i was in class, i knew. i knew, but i listened to the voicemail anyway, walking out of the law school building, ducking into a hidden area, stunned with grief. i stayed on campus for a bit, vacillating, but decided to hell with school and work. i didn't know where to go or what to do, so i just started walking and the thought of being in my apartment at that moment was making me a little nauseous. i walked into union station and found myself in the waiting area for the trains and once i sat down, i couldn't get up again for a long time.

"sorrow is nothing but worn-out joy". perhaps.

last time i was home, my dad brought my grandpa outside and they were sitting in lawnchairs while the boys and i were running around, and i discovered the first concord grapes on the vines, which are my absolute favorite thing, and we were all in the backyard, eating concord grapes and spitting out the seeds and skins, not really saying much. just enjoying each other and the joy of warm grapes fresh off the vine that are sharp and sweet with a little bit of sour aftertaste. most of the time i think that everything should taste like that. that's how things are now.

here's what you may not know: every time i eat a concord grape, i will think of him because he's the one who introduced me to the vines in his backyard. concord grapes? my absolute favorite. that alone would make me love him. but concord grapes? don't even come close to telling you how much i love him.

i waited for a long time at union station, but no trains came in and no trains left while i was there. just people. and me.