laughter.

this past weekend, i caught myself in the midst of raucous laughter and realized that i couldn't remember the last time i had laughed so hard that i had to remind myself to breathe, to be conscious of trying to take deep breaths, the result of which is more of a hiccup, which sounds so ridiculous that i laugh even harder at this, partly in embarassment, partly in wonder of these uncontrollable noises exiting my mouth, and all i can do is listen and laugh some more and wipe the tears from my eyes. the fact is, me laughing deliriously sounds and feels suspiciously like me crying my eyes out, and i've been a bit short on both as of late.

after i caught my breath, the giddiness remained, and the smile lasted for quite some time. i realized that while i may think of myself as quick to laughter, i'm much more of a snorter. ugh. i'm still wrestling with that realization. the thing is, laughter is so much better than snorting - musically and otherwise. i generally disdain people who snort because i associate it with pomposity and arrogance. so how the hell did i become a snorter? when did that happen?

i vaguely remember reading something awhile ago about how laughter triggers various chemical functions in the brain. this makes sense to me kind of. but the concept i can really hold on to, is that the very act of laughing deeply and uncontrollably feels so damn good because that sort of laughing requires intimacy with another person. laughter creates a certain kind of connectedness that reminds us of the relationship we have with each other as well as the parts of us we forget sometimes along the way to becoming responsible adults striving for this that or the other. and it makes sense to me that my laughing and crying sounds similar because both require intimate touchings.

so i guess i've spent a lot of time this weekend reflecting on all these things because i know that i've spent way more time snorting than laughing and crying combined for quite some time, and i've found it troubling because that tells me i haven't focused as much on my relationships with those i love as much as i need to. and if i haven't done that, then clearly i've been spending some time with myself, but it's been mostly about stuff that doesn't really thrill me. i haven't finished reading a book in months. it's been a long time since i've even picked up a book that wasn't about the lsats. i've read reviews of books, articles, things like that, but no books. i've spent so much time striving lately that i've largely neglected this woman who is doing all of this striving. hence the propensity for snorting. so there it is. not very pretty.

but here's the good news for me: clearly, i am still capable of laughing with my entire body. all is not lost. and to be honest, i really do think that some situations/people demand snorts. that's true. and dammit people, it's not just my fault that i haven't been laughing.

so it's monday, and i have law school apps to send out this weekend, and i'm premenstrual, and already feeling anti-social and grumpy about the aforementioned things and more i'm sure, but sometimes, i just need to remember who i don't want to be. i think george w. bush is a snorter. that's all i need to remember. that's enough to make me cry so hard it makes me laugh.