honor.

"You honor me with your grumpiness."

i gotta admit, the first time i heard that, i thought it was pretty corny. that was over a month ago. but sometimes, when a certain phrase refuses to leave my head or comes up most unexpectedly, i know it's something i need to think about. i love the woman who said this - i am hard pressed to think of anyone who matches her gentleness and grace in dealing with the world - and i learned of the quote from a retelling of the conversation that inspired her saying it, but i just thought it funny when i heard it the first time. because it is funny, i think.

but i've been thinking about it because it's been one of those things that i haven't been able to not think about, and maybe i found it funny initially because that's precisely opposite to what most of us are socialized to think about grumpiness and bad moods in general. most of the time, i'm just offended by pissy moods, which puts me in a combative pissy mood. i have a tendency to put on my *game face*, as it were, around people i care about because i don't want to worry them and frankly, because i have a lot of pride.

and part of it is that those who are closest to me bring out the best parts of me that i struggle to maintain otherwise. but i wonder how many of us alter our realities because we're afraid of what it would mean not to, especially around people we love. it's about how honest we are with each other about what's going on, but fundamentally, how honest we can be with ourselves. it's a tough proposition, this honor thing.

this is the first conceptualization of honor that doesn't make me sick. it just makes me notice myself more in relation to other people.