newsbreak.

BUSH CURRENTLY ENGAGED IN STRATEGERY TO STOP NATURAL DISASTERS

In the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, Bush is warning that he will not stand for this sort of devastation inflicted on American soil. Political insiders are wondering what plans are being formulated in the notoriously secretive Bush administration, but so far, true to form, White House staff members are being noncommittal. According to Scott McClellan, “We’re not ruling things out. We’re looking at what needs to be done to address problems.”

Bush has commented that there needs to be careful consideration of the collective American response to Katrina and others like her, because fighting natural disasters is a difficult task that requires coordination and sacrifice. Pointing to the Iraq war, Bush disdainfully noted the plummeting American support with every billion dollars that disappears from accounting spreadsheets into the pockets of this or that Halliburton official, and said that while his administration was being cautious because of the fickleness of the American people generally, he retained faith in the goodness of common Americans to come together and respond forcefully to the wreckage of Katrina and insisted that he had a mandate to engage in whatever means necessary to prevent another such occurrence from happening. Bush stated, “New Orleans is more devastated than New York was.” The seriousness of the situation is underscored by Bush’s cutting short his “working vacation” by coming back to DC one day before he was scheduled to return.

For a brief moment at the press conference earlier today, environmentalists were excited at Bush’s comments, noting that perhaps he was implicating the role of humans on increasingly devastating weather conditions across the globe. However, after some deliberation, many environmentalists have had a shocking change of heart, being amongst the first to organize protests and other such campaigns before Bush has even gone public with his plan. After interviewing some of these environmentalists, one gets the sense that the rapid mobilization of protest is being propelled by a sense of fear of what pre-emptive tactics Bush is going to use this time.

One thing is for sure, though. With Bush’s public support dropping in every poll, even those put out by the Heritage Foundation, he is in dire need of a popularity boost if he is to fulfill his dream of being a historical figure on terms separate from former father-son presidents John Adams and John Q. Adams.

According to a senior official who insists on anonymity, Bush is currently consulting with the heads of states of Poland and Britain, among others, to form a coalition of the willing. If Bush declares a War on Natural Disasters as many political insiders are anticipating, he would be the first President to start a war, while engaged in another one, during his lame duck period.

President Bush, the American people are looking to you for forceful leadership in these uneasy times where the enemy is just waiting to attack, coming from every direction, from extreme heat to extreme cold, from extreme drought to extreme precipitation. Now is the time for steady hearts and strength of will. It is in times like these that we can take some small modicum of comfort in Bush’s maxim, “If you’re not with us, you’re against us”.