disappearance.

where did i go? what happened this past month? it's hard to say, really. sometimes i think time catches me and wrestles me to some other reality that has very little resemblance to the life that i like living, to the life that i feel comfortable living, into a harried mess of responsibilities and dramas, such that i have found myself wondering too many times lately where i went. i get so caught up in chasing butterflies that it's kind of a convulated mess trying to get back to where i started.

these days, it's a big accomplishment fighting off the urge to sleep during the day and being able to fall asleep at a reasonable hour, while remembering to smile and nod at appropriate times because people generally are a bit put off by my contracted eyebrows that indicate that i'm thinking (or not) intensely about something, which usually involves trying to remember what i forgot to do during the day or what i can have for dinner since i haven't been able to make a real trip to the grocery store in a few weeks now or wondering how to make something that's ostensibly about me not be annoyingly narcissistic and/or egomaniacal - how i can write something like that and still like myself in the end. it's embarassing, really. everytime i see myself in the mirror lately, i just notice over-tiredness - the eyes will give it away every time. so, now, i try to avoid the mirror, which actually isn't all that difficult all things considered, but man, it's sad.

but it's not all that bad, now, is it? not really. i dodder around like i always do, flip-flop-ing around the city, but it's mainly for necessary things, like getting home or something like that, as opposed to near-necessities like wandering with junior wherever it takes me. focus has never really been my strong suit, but i've given up for now on any pretensions of controlling where my mind goes these days, which is actually pretty amusing. at least to myself. which is all to say, i'm rummaging through, trying to put myself back together. but i'm slow because i get distracted a lot. and i have a lot of things on my mind. and i have a lot of things to do, actually, which i never like, but there's very little that can be done about that at the moment.

anyway, i have a date with myself on sunday. i'm pumped about it because it's been much too long. i hope i don't get stood up.