wanderer

so, my brother just left town after a weekend in the big, bad consumptive city of dc. he stayed just long enough so that he could take his soul with him on the return flight. i wonder if i will be that lucky.

i'm not so sure what i'm doing with this whole blogging thing. okay. that might be a bit of a lie. i decided recently that i have aspirations to be a writer. for real, a writer. no qualifications. at the moment, there are many many qualifications that i attach to *writer*, and the goal, i suppose, is to write through the qualifiers so that in some auspicious moment, as i'm sitting outside, listening to my ipod and watching the people walk by, watching my life go by, i might be able to say, yes, i am a writer. no qualifiers necessary. i'm not there, though, so i want to put my thoughts here, so i can access them without having to try to find all of those random pieces of paper with the scribblings of my pilot pen that holds the best parts of me, perhaps - the questions, the tangents, the confusion. all of that. and i am forever losing, at least temporarily, these parts, and i know that there is a loss there for me, even if i'm not entirely sure what exactly it is that i'm losing. i'm hoping that the sense of loss i carry around with me will somehow lessen with each word that manages to find its way out of this convulated mess i'm in.

maybe i crave conversations but dread talking with people. hence the blog. hence a lot of things. and, i figure, with no luck in finding a physical space that i can call home, this might be it. building it, as it were. and, some of my friends have them, and it's just nice sometimes to read those thoughts that they'd probably forget to tell me about by the time we saw each other again, the space of which is almost always much too long. enough explanation, though. it seems as if i am forever explaining something or another.

anyway, my brother got me thinking about a lot of things. his older-brother protectiveness/truth-telling (laura, that's what love is. you make compromises. that's what people do when they're in love. how can you be mad at someone who would give up everything to be with you because all they know is that they love you and they have faith that that's enough? or, laura, isn't this what life is? of course you're always striving for the next thing. that's what we do. that's what we're supposed to do. when does it ever become enough? never. never. or, me: hey kev, what would you think if i just quit my job and put everything i had into being a boxer? him: what?! i'd think you were an idiot. me: oh. or, laura, who the hell wants to eat an elephant? or, unnamed 3rd party to kevin: hey, you need to toughen up your sister - that's what big brothers are supposed to do. kevin: actually, she's the toughest out of all my siblings. and so it goes.) managed to cut through some of my bullshit. but there's more there, i'm sure of it. i'm working on it, though. this is the best weekend i've had in a long time - something about being with someone who's known you forever and loved you forever, even if, maybe because, actually, we're very very different. but alike enough such that when i'm around him, i'm not frantically trying to put words together to try to explain why i think in the ways i do sometimes. and he had tickets to the gun show. rockstar.