balancing act.

so it turns out that my lofty goal of waking up in the morning to pack lunch for lara before she leaves to teach at 6:30am was a bit optimistic, shockingly enough. after waking up the last 2 mornings early enough to pack her lunch, i missed the first official day of her classes starting, and it occurs to me that learning to wake up early in the morning may take more than learning not to smoke in awkward social situations. she said gently this morning, "maybe we should pack lunches the night before". this morning has been spent figuring out budgetary concerns for the next 4 months, or trying, figuring out reading assignments for the first day of classes next week, figuring out what my calendar looks like, and it's five hours later and it feels like i haven't really gotten anything accomplished yet today.

no, i haven't gotten excited about law school yet. in fact, i'm terrified for many reasons, but mainly, terrified for my well-being, mostly for my soul. my first meet and greet was monday. here is an excerpt from a real conversation:

"so, where are you from?"

"kenya."

"oh really?"

"yeah, i just got back."

30 seconds later, checking back in the conversation:

"i spent the last 6 months in kenya, but i guess i'm really from kentucky."

what the fuck? seriously. the amount of space that white men take up never ceases to amaze me.

so this week has been dressed in taut smiles and incredulous looks, as i stumble awkwardly from one thing to the next. what i have seen so far: an excess of friendliness and an intense need to speak loudly and often. my worry before going in was that law school would be filled with assholes. that hasn't really gone away, but i guess i'm one of the assholes as i sit sullenly in my seat with my baseball hat pulled down as far as it'll go, trying not to make eye contact. i have the weekend to reform myself before classes officially start. for now, a deep pain has settled in my right shoulder.