sometimes.

sometimes, things are going well, and you've moved into your own place that you've lusted after as long as you have memory of being old enough to think about having a space all to your own because you never have shared well, and you're the type of person who is difficult to live with, and even your mom likes to remind you of that every so often, and your girlfriend buys you beautiful shiny knives because one of the first times you met, you said "i like knives", and you knew that something was happening because she thought it was funny and charming and not just crazy, and you've bought yourself that shiny new coffeemaker that you've always thought would look nice in a kitchen of yours, and you learn that you qualified for that credit card that allows you to buy that new laptop you've had your eye on earlier than you thought, and you go to the apple store and your girlfriend realizes that you qualify to get that black nano that you've drooled over but could never justify paying money for since you do have a nice shiny silver mini that has done you well, and law school is starting in a few months, and even though you play it tough and act like it's no big deal, everyone sees right through you, and you actually are a little excited at the prospect of doing something academically challenging, and after battling the internet connection, you finally get it to work, and things with your family have been rough, but lately, things have been pretty good all things considered, all around, and there will be another nephew added to the family, and your two boys who are the loves of your life are well and happy and growing so goddamn much but they still remember you and want to talk to you and want to see you, and other people you love seem to be doing well, and the people in your classes laugh at your jokes sometimes and seem to get at least some of the stuff you're teaching, and the office is going smoothly with no complaints from the higher ups and they're sad that you're leaving, and relationships are evening out, and the lsat is happening soon but the one person who is taking it right now who you actually really care about in terms of how well she does has suddenly gotten her mojo and is scoring so much better than perhaps she even let herself think about, and and and...you're tired, but it's good because you're making money, and things are aligning, then stop. stop. you get an unexpected phone call that lets you know that no matter how many shiny new things you acquire, what you really want you can't buy no matter how many hours a day you work. because what you really want is to bring close all those people you love and protect them from everything. everything. even the things you don't know about and the things that they won't tell you about because they want to protect you. and you sit at your desk and you want to cry because you know you can't. everyone knows that. lord knows, they might need protection from you sometimes. but there is so much physical distance between you, and you want to just say hey, i will get on a plane right now and fuck all this other shit because it doesn't matter (because it really doesn't in the end, does it?), because you want to be that friend who would do that, but you don't because you think you can't, and you're probably right about that anyway. and for the past several weeks (months?), you have been running from one job to the next, sleeping when you can, eating when you remember, talking to a few friends (not enough) and family on the way to or from, and you get a phone call that you answer only because it's that one person you don't talk with a lot, but nearly always answer the phone for if you can, even if it's to say, hey, i'm at work, lemme call you back, and she makes you stop. is she ok? i don't know. are you ok? am i ok? so. sometimes it's like that. sometimes you have to be reminded about the difference between the things that look good on you, and the people who make you and suddenly the things that look good just make you feel a little nauseous because they do nothing to protect you and they certainly do nothing to protect the people you love. sometimes you don't know if you're fine with the prospect of not making a lot of money because you know that all the money in the world doesn't give you what you want, but then you think, if you had all the money in the world, you would build a huge complex where everyone you loved could have a place with everything they could possibly need or want and then, maybe then, money could buy you what you want. but you're not entirely convinced, and even if you were, you think that it might take awhile to get all the money in the world and are not sure how you would go about it since your decisions thus far have led you far far from that path. in any case, sometimes, you stop. and you think about things like that.