transitioning.

i've been thinking about transitions a lot lately, and it seems like the past 3 years, possibly more, has been a continual transition, trying to stretch more flexibility from myself to be able to slide and wiggle and squeeze into one place after another. i remember the day my mom left me at college, and it was only a half hour away, but she was trying so hard not to cry like she wanted to, and i think i might've ended up crying a little because sometimes that seems like the only thing i can do in a situation where i want so desperately to be able to not only say, but convince, the person i love standing in front of me, how deep my love is for them. even if it involves some walking away on my part. even if it involves both of us letting go a little. my mom and i, we still have this moment before i leave to go back to wherever, though more subtle than it once was, even given our rockiness and disappointments in each other and ourselves, because her little girl has grown up so fast. her headstrong, stubborn girl, who never really knew what she wanted, just what she didn't want. these days, i think her more recent tears come from the realization that her little girl is finally starting to figure out what it is she wants, the realization that her little girl has changed into this young woman that maybe she has a hard time recognizing sometimes. that she sometimes doesn't want to recognize. and i love her so much, but no matter how many times i say it, i still wonder if she knows how much i love her. how i would do everything for her. except that one thing.

and god, isn't it just like that? there's always that one thing. and maybe that's what remains so unconvincing to the people you love who just don't seem to ever believe you when you tell them how much you love them, how much you care about them. and wouldn't it be so much easier if we could just be what that other person wants us so desperately to be? just, i don't want to have to prove anything. and, i want you to know how much you mean to me. there are so many things that i'm not good at, that i'm not graceful about. grace is not a word that would ever be used to describe me, really. with every transition, i am well aware that someone in my life i love is taking it as a judgement. that me changing, means that i don't love them as much as i say i do, because we all know words matter, but really, it's what you do that matters more. just, i've made some big choices on what i think is best for me any given time, and i think sometimes, these people i love so much, well, they don't get why they're not best for me at any given time, and really, i have no answers for that. i'm not sure that anyone could really be best for me. i have so many people who are good for me, but i don't think i can make a decision on what's good. so, these transitions, i mean, it seems like they should get easier or something. but they don't. i'm selfish, i guess, if you want to call it that. other people have. frequently. as have i. among other things. i guess it's a lot to expect people to be happy for my happiness, for my choices to move in that direction, when it leaves them unhappy. when you move a lot, it's best to travel light, as hard as that may be sometimes. it doesn't mean that i don't love. it just means that i'm not strong enough to carry it all with me and be who i think i want to be, to try to become a woman who knows what she wants, not just what she doesn't.