missing.

i can't really say where i've been lately or where i am these days - just seems that i've been gone from sight, even mine. and who the hell really knows what that means, because i'm sitting here now, right in front of you and that's where i am. but i've been off searching for something and yearning for something that may or may not be missing. and i'm right in front of you and you still ask me where i've been and where i am, and i worry about the transparency of my carefully positioned smiles and nods and all of that. if i was more new age, i'd tell you that i've been off trying to realign my chakras. if i was more evangelical, i'd tell you that i've been having conversations with god. if i was more honest, i'd tell you that i managed to lose myself in that space between you and me, which is embarassing, but reminiscent of countless lost mittens, lost papers, lost thoughts, lost days. and now i'm like lucinda williams singing "i think i lost it".

and i have a lot of excuses, you know. a lot. i've been busy. with things. lots of things. and keeping myself all in one place and all in one piece is no small feat, even if i had nothing else to do. thing is, now i don't have that much to do after an extended craze of busy-ness and stress. and now it's just kind of empty and i feel myself bouncing around like the words in my head looking for an exit, and i have the jitters like i just stayed up all night with a pack of cigarettes and a pot of coffee. so i'm thrashing about a bit now, kind of like trying to put on my own straight jacket. sweet jesus, i'm absurd.

so at least that's not missing. if all else fails, i create my own diversions and distractions when it looks like my life isn't my life anymore, but it all evens out in the end, because it's still mine, whether i want to claim it or not, whether you recognize me or not. there's a part of me that thinks that it'd be great to live in solitude, just thoreau was kind of corny about the whole thing, and monks and nuns don't really count because i'm not sure it's solitude when you're married to jesus, even if it is all in your head. and i think i shower too much to really have a good shot at asceticism anyway. and eat too much meat - eat too much in general, actually.

thing is, i'm all about worldly things. just sometimes i don't really feel like talking to people. so i say that i'm searching for something. i'm not sure that's entirely accurate, but i haven't figured out how else to put it that makes any more sense. luckily for me, everyone i've told so far has known me long enough or well enough to pretend it makes some sort of sense to them. if it was me, and someone else was telling me that, i might think about telling them to stop being so damn angsty and full of privilege and just go ahead and live life already without being so freaking neurotic and scared.

so you can think that, but hey, take it easy. i'm working on it. i'm trying to find something. but i haven't quite figured out what it is.