packing up.

pure silence is hard to achieve, even for a woman who likes quiet. as we sit together, my mind travels through yours and yours through mine, and we are having the best conversation we've had in a long time, but the only sounds we are making are barely audible - the ones that come from the reflexive tightening of the throat when we hear something that is so true we have a visceral response that we don't even notice until after it happens. for once, we're not worried about the exact way we need to say things, we're not worried about having to explain this that or the other - we're just moving together, dancing through and around, weaving the stories of our lives. and the quiet permeates. but i think it's the most i've really said in awhile.

i walked out of my apartment this morning into the fall rain i love so much and started smiling immediately - a real smile, the likes of which i rarely display before noon. on another day, i might have been grumpy about having to leave the warmth of my bed, the thought of a day of a sterile office too much for my weary little head to contend with as thoughts of hot tea and good reading in the softest clothes i own, with the blanket pulled up to my chin, with bella curled at my feet, make me toy with the idea of calling in sick. but not today. because i am awake. and loving the too short of walk to the bus stop.

today is moving day at the office, and it occurred to me on the bus that my belligerence as of late has come from being forced to pack my life neatly and nicely so that others can poke and prod, and i have my doubts about whether they will really see the good stuff - the stuff i value the most. but that's the stuff that's hardest to see and the hardest to find, nestled deeply within the mundane and the various things i may or may not have accomplished.

so with two days left, i wonder if i need a new approach, but i think it's just about figuring out how i can hold it all out there, making the writing seem effortless. making it about us, sitting in the quiet, engaging in mental acrobatics, channeling the excitement of taking you by the hand as we run from place to place, inadvertently showing each other the best versions of ourselves.