dc love.

the end of the day finds me exhausted, which is not all that surprising when most mornings find me crawling out of bed, unwilling and pouting at the prospect of dislodging bella from the warmth generated from my body underneath the covers where she has just gotten settled. i can't remember the last time i slept through an entire night where i haven't woken up thirsty or needing to pee or jolted awake by the loud whirring by the large machinery right outside my window that flips on and off at random it seems or the sounds and movements of bella doing her thing whatever it happens to be or too hot or too cold or by some other unaccounted reason. of course, when i say i can't remember the last time, that could mean that this has been happening for weeks or this could be just the past couple of nights. it's hard to say for certain.

last night i realized that i've been in dc for just over a year now, which surprised me because it seems like i've been here for much longer, and it's hard to remember what life is like not in dc, although i tell myself that it was more interesting and meaningful and, you know, *deep*, since i spend as much time as i think of it convincing myself and whoever else happens to be standing there, listening or not, what a "thoughtful" person i am. and i am reminded of what i was told once by a writer: "show, don't tell". mmmhm. well, you know, we're busy and distractable, and just in case you might have missed it, or wished you had, i like to tell just to hammer the point home.

this might prove to be problematic in my incipient writing career i've convinced myself i will have. and by career i mean, having a partner who will financially support my writing, while also agreeing to pay down the $100,000 + in loans that i am told is a reasonable estimate of indebtedness by the end of law school. i am really looking forward to it. by which i mean, i'm really looking forward to my partner's career that will finance mine. of course, she might also appreciate the advice that my two lawyer friends have been giving me about applying to a broader range of law schools that will be more likely to give me scholarships. i'll keep that in mind.

anyway. dc. for as much as i whine about wanting to move to another city that i've decided is more livable or intellectual or something, perhaps i need to remind myself that for someone who doesn't necessarily like a whole lot of people, finding a city she likes all the way down to her painted toenails is going to be difficult at best. sometimes i think i have the affect of a crotchety old woman. okay - a lot of times.

at the end of the day, though, dc's seen me through some things that no other place has, so i like it for that, in spite of myself. and even if i'm not here in another year, i know i'll miss it in the way that you miss those places where you experienced changes and revelations you never knew you needed or wanted and took you in when you were wanting to get away and held you there while you were licking your wounds and never judged you when you realized that you were wrong all along because you found out that what brought you there turned out to be not at all what you wanted. i'll miss it like that.

and on a grey day like today, a little cool, fall breeze, a little damp, i'm reveling in the too-hot bus, the too-cold office, the suits, the tourists...and this is home. at least for now.